when crafternoons attack

When I was in 2nd grade, I got a knitting kit.  The whole idea of it was to be able to knit a rope to sew into a little winter cap for one of my dolls.  This thing became an obsession, a perfect escape for any obsessive-compulsive tendencies I might have had.  I knitted the appropriate length of rope for the doll hat, then decided (IDIOT!) that hey, I may as well keep going and make a hat for me instead.  Well, I got the lengh I needed for a Maggie-sized cap and decided (IDIOT!) that I really didn't want to make that either.  So I kept knitting.  I'd put my little project away every now and then for a few months at a time when I got interested in other things, but, like a toxic ex-boyfriend, I'd always go back.  It stayed in my life and I hauled this mass of knitted rope off to college eventually.  I think I touched it once during those 4 years.  I hauled it to Florida with me, in a box.  It became my thing.  A shame box, of sorts- I was hoarding almost 100 feet of knitted rope in a box under my bed, for which I had no purpose whatsoever.  Last month, I got on this kick to finish it.  22 years after I started, I sewed 122 feet of psychadelic, rainbow-colored rope into a (suprisingly small) area rug.  It should feel cathartic or something, but I'm just glad to get the damn thing done.  I'd started calling my project Operation: Knit That Shit, in my quest to push forward and conquer.  This is what I'm now stuck with:

Wait.  That's the thing in progress.  With a damn fine bottle of Riesling to carry me through.  (Seriously, I got it at World Market just because I liked the cat bottle and have every intention of setting it on the windowsill with a Gerber daisy in it, in a bright pretty color like pink or red.  But i digress...)







All together now: "Oooooh, ahhhh..."  Yeah, it makes me fucking dizzy.  I think if you stare at it long enough you'll see a picture of puppies and angel babies or something.  I snapped this picture quick because I can't even look at it without getting nauseous.  Not 5 minutes after I put it on the floor, the cat came over and parked her furry ass on it and didn't move for the rest of the night.  Maybe she was hypnotized?  Sleeeeeeep, sleeeeeeeep....    

Fast forward to this week- I was excited to finish the rug because (get this) I intended to teach myself to crochet.  By watching a video YouTube.  Hey, my momma can NEVER say I had no ambition!  I bought the appropriate yarn (in a little more adult, but equally psychadelic, color.  I know, i know.  What's wrong with me?)  So I watched the video and pretty much spent the first 15 minutes pretty much crocheting a noose with which to hang myself.  That and the cat was being so freacking cliche and attacking the yarn.  (Seriously, Bella, I thought your holier-than-thou cattitude ass was better than that.)  Finally, though, it clicked!  I got on a roll!  I was going to crochet a dishcloth!  A perfect, 20 loop by 20 loop square that I could proudly display on the kitchen wall and save for all prosperity so that my grandchildren could see it one day and understand where all their fabulous homemade blankets and sweaters started from!  The pride I would feel upon finishing my very first crochet project! 

What the fuck?!?  I've made a dress for Stay-At-Home Barbie!  Something went very, very wrong.  This...whatever it is...started at the bottom and went up.  The first 2 rows are alright, and then...well.  Apparantly, I DID get the hang of it because the top is sort of square-ish.  When I finally held it up and wondered what the hell I just created, it was sort of like a domestic version of The Hangover- I came out of a post-crochet frenzied fog with no concept of time, my muscles were sore, and I'm not sure how I ended up with someone else's (really tiny!) clothes.  So, I made a little loop at the top and hung that shit on the Christmas tree.  Yeah, it's totally intentional.  The colors work. 

Hey, Christmas gift idea!  Everyone gets Barbie clothes!  Kidding.  Maybe.  I started working on a scarf earlier this week, which is coming along much, much better now.  It's currently a foot or so long...if I have any friends from back in Louisiana come visit me in the spring, please ask to see it.  If I can produce it to show to you, it will probably be 75 feet long and you have my permission to strangle me with it.